Its only Day Two and I am proud!

So after my kick butt workout yesterday, by the time I got home, my ankle was killing me and my knee felt like it was going to fall off. After Tylenol (which does almost NOTHING for arthritis) the pain went down a bit.

This morning. The pain in my ankle was back full blown. I was exhausted.

Already contemplating canceling everything from grocery shopping to working out.

Got a late start on the day and ran my errands... even bought a "Suffocate the 'girls' sports bra" for this evening, have dinner cooking, so the hubs and kiddo will have homemade meal even though mommy isn't here.

I am proud of myself. Had a healthy lunch. No sodas. And I am in my gym clothes, ready to get my tush to the gym...

Yay me.

CSHM-Write it Wednesday 10-17-12

A little girl in braids, bags packed, awaiting the arrival of her hero. Her missing piece. Her dad. Hours had passed since he was to arrive. Only to hear the phone ring, and her heart would sink. Disappointed again.

It's been years.

Decades.

Since she knew what love from a man was. Not the intimate, sexual kind of love. The kind of love that loves with no bounds. Thats loves with their full heart. Who is proud of who she is, despite her many short comings. The love of a man who is never supposed to let you down.

Her life has been full of failed expectations by men. So why should this one be any different?

Never knowing even the comfort of a reassuring hug from a father when life got rough. Never hearing how special you are from the man who is supposed to be the only man who sees you are special from the moment you come from the womb.

So how does this man count? How does what he say differ from the man whose words were once gold, until time to cash in. Being let down for over 20 years? From a man who you've known only a sliver of time in your exsistance?

"I love you." He said.

She heard his words, and knew they were real, but could not bring herself to believe them. For they were familiar and followed by nothing but a blind alley. Should she believe him? Could letting down the wall again bring familiar sorrow?

Something told her this time would be different. Something told her. He is not what she knew of.

1..... 2..... 3......

I believe.

If you can't accept me for who I am...

If you can't accept me for who I am, then you may as well just say adios....

That is said a lot.

I know I have said it.

But the more I have learned in trying to be a better version of who I am, I have noticed how selfish that statement is.

I am blunt. I am honest. If you don't like that.... oh well.

Or maybe... I should learn to adjust my honesty?

Should we just throw people's critiques to the wind because they are trying to "change who you are"?

Or should we listen to people and what they say and learn from that.

Not "change" who you are, but GROW from the statement.

So many people REFUSE to change saying "I won't let anyone tell me who I am and how I can act/talk/etc."

Have YOU said that?

I know I have.

The whole, "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not"....

Thats not saying don't change.... thats saying dont be fake.

Growing and bettering who you are isn't fake or allowing others to control you.

It drives me nuts when people don't return phone calls or are late and people say, "Well, you know how (insert name here) is." And we just accept the bad behavior...

SOOOO afraid the person will feel hated or judged for being called out on how their actions makes someone else feel....

In saying this... I am sure everyone is well aware of my life altering choice to become a better person. Being nicer, being kind. Helping fellow man over myself and extending a hand to those I really want to slap (HEY, I am a work in progress, people!)....

If we all just sit back and take the bad things people say about you and ignore the hatred behind the comment and really examine the statement, perhaps you may find the good in the bad. The lesson in it.

Perhaps there is hope for me (aka, the B*tch, the judgemental Christian, the pushy one) yet. ;-)

What Have I Become?

"I never want to marry!"

"I would HATE to wake up to the same person every single day."

"Ugh, kids, I love them, but not for me."

"That woman is whipped like a pony, doing her husbands laundry and cooking him dinner, I will NEVER be like that."

ALL phrases that have left my lips. That was before I met his crazy skinny white dude who introduced himself as "knowing my cousin"... I blew the guy off... who the heck does he think he is? Like trying to hit on me in a bar is going to get him anywhere...?

Uh... yeah... well, We had round 2 at a different event the very same week... that week, HE caught MY eye... well, ear, he spoke of the B-52's.... yes, the B-52's is what brought Keith and I together... bands just don't get the prop they deserve...

And here I am... just finished my meal plan for two weeks, have a nice hot dinner ready for my man when he comes home from work, while I stay home with the muchkin.

WHA-?

Huh?

Ever have those moments where you sit and look back think, "Woah! When did I get here?"

Not in a bad way, no no no... I'm super happy.

But I expected myself to be super happy living it up in Seattle. Or backpacking through Europe with no place to call home and working from city to city just so I can make it through to my next adventure.

NEVER thought I'd be here...

But its CRAZY how life throws you a curve ball, you duck, then get hit anyway because your depth perception sucks and you suddenly have your eyes open this whole world you never thought you wanted.

Why?

Crazy little thing called Love.

L-O-V-E... does silly thing to a independent artist who is deteremined not to confine herself to the norms of what society expects me to become!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!! I am a FREE woman!!!!

Truth is. I have never been happier. More free. And more at peace with life than I am now.

So next time life throws you a curve ball and you get hit... it might be the hit you needed to see straight... or crooked.

<3

I'm Sorry

Its one to those things...

It makes me kinda of angry at myself. Thinking I was doing something just and for a good cause, and in the end, wasn't at all what I should be doing. When I sit back and God slaps me with conviction, and I hang my head and say, "I suck."

In this Chick-fil-a deal, I was, and still am, sort of upset that people were so outraged abut a Christian man expressing his Christian views when he was asked. I mean, come on, should be be surprised? Do we need to be so hateful when someone expresses something we don't agree with or support? NO!

So what was my response? SUPPORT THEM! Which I do, I support someone having the nerve to stand up for their often looked down upon beliefs.

AND THEN.......

My amazing sister in the Lord showed me an blog, written by a Christian, as much as I love my gay cousin(s) and family and friends, my support of Chick-fil-a and eating their sandwich, me showing my support by eating their sandwich and posting pictures of all the support many of us Christians were giving.... this article opened my eyes to how UN-loving this act was. As much as I am for what Jesus stood for, shoving a sandwich and an agenda in others face via Facebook was NOT what Jesus would do.

Jesus would turn the other cheek, Jesus DIED for them, LOVED them, HEALED them, DEFENDED them... He didn't set out to prove who is wrong and who is right.

So to any of you whom I may have hurt by this UNLOVING act, I apologize. I do my best to try and be like Christ and today I did not do that.

Jesus told me to LOVE my ENEMIES, ya know, the ones who bash you, what you believe and how you choose to live.

Jesus told me to PRAY for those who persecute me...

I did NOT do that. Instead I got full of pride behind a company instead of my Lord and Savior.

I was wrong. And it sucks. I felt I was helping support the Christian community and I was... but I was NOT supporting Christ.

I'm sorry. I hope All my friends and family forgive me. I still stand by what I believe, but shoving it in your face was WRONG, I was WRONG....

Blah...

But I thank the Lord for convicting me and shoving my chicken sandwich pride down my throat and showing me that I was wrong... 

Peace

I often sit back and think of how blessed I am. With all the wrongs I've done in life and continue to do, I am blessed. I'm not rich. I'm not thin. Heck, I'm not even healthy. But I am happy. Some say happiness is being content with what you have, I think I have often said that myself. But I honestly think its being at peace, PERIOD. That with all the obstacles God allows in your path, you somehow find peace and silence in the noise. And THAT is where happiness lies.

I was blessed enough to find someone who could enter that peace WITH me. And take me to it when I am stubborn and don't want to go there.

All this was in my mind as my husband, who lay perfectly comfy in bed next to me, got up to get me a drink after I relentlessly teased him about how I was DYING OF THIRST. Of course, we were laughing at my fake coughing and gagging, but it was just a small slice of my world where peace AND my husband live. So I write... I used to do it SO much. I miss it. It was a way for my soul to breathe...

Enjoy.



Thank you for loving me
When I don’t love myself.

For knowing how to make me smile
When I want to be mad.

For knowing me
And what I can handle

For hugging me
When I needed it the most.

For holding my hand
When we’re walking through a store

And for holding it
As I was wheeled into a surgery.

For understanding me
And my irrational thinking.

For not making me feel dumb
When I sang a wrong verse.

Thank you for caring for me
When I am sick and snotty

And for finding me attractive
When I’m in my lazy day clothes.

For getting up after your comfy
Just to get me a drink.

For saving me endlessly
From my childish fear of bugs

And for always knowing
I’m not “fine”.

For being my best friend
My soul mate and teacher

The father of my child
And the man I grow old with.

I promised to love, honor and cherish
From then and til forever

In good times and in bad
In irresponsible spending and eating

So, my love, I thank you
For everything you are to me

And tell the world forever
That dreams do come true.

Fat Jeanene, Fat Jeanene... GO AWAY!

This is going to be very freakin' hard for me. Its only day one of retrying to transition my eating to a more extreme level.

Extreme circumstances cause for extreme measures.

I have looked too long at the fozen pizza in the fridge (for Keith when I don't feel up to cooking).

At Abi's breakfast sausage and bisquits.

At the bags of chips.

At the Ramen.

I don't usually eat these anyway, but now that I am focusing hardcore, its like they are SCREAMING at me. "We will fill you up and we taste A-M-A-ZING!"

"I know you do! I know you taste amazing! Shut your piehole!"

Pardon the rants and complaints and the weakness I may blast on here but this moment in my life has been far too delayed for far too long.

I need a damn kidney and I need it NOW. I wanna see my kid grow up. I wanna grow old with my husband. And I want to feel better, which is how I will feel once I get my kidney.

The time is now. I have to kick it up.

NOW!

Tantrums? Whats it mean?

In the role of motherhood, I have found to be very blessed in how things have gone with my daughter. From her lack of wanting a paciffier to easy transition to cups from bottles and now in the new challenge of "She is potty trained! WAIT! No she isn't." dance we're doing right now.

I have been witness and been told of childrens tantrums and such and I am at a loss. Because not only has my child never done that but my brothers didn't, and I didn't, and none of the kids I babysat ever did these things.

So are tantrums more frequent in this new era of motherthood?

This is what I seem to think right now.

Websites say every parent SHOULD experience one and that each toddler should have one a week...

So if my kid doesn't do that, what does that mean? Well, to some moms, they think I am calling them bad moms or that their kid is a bad kid. To other moms, they think I am bragging. But HONESTLY this is something I don't encounter. The two times my kid has tried was QUICKLY estinguished and has happened, like TWICE, in her 3 years on this planet. So what does it mean?

I know if I even TRIED to throw a tantrum, my mom would nip it in the butt BEFORE I even thought of getting out of hand. Is it in the ethinicity? Is it in technique? Is it in my childs personality (which even she is VERY independent and willfull)?

What is it? What is it that makes me child so much more less "tantrum-y" than the "average toddler" (I say that according to the mommy blogs and websites I have searched this up on).

Feel free to express your open opinion and what you think because this honestly boggles my mind as to why "most kids" do it, yet I am not witness to any children I have cared for or watched ever doing it.