Bad news today...
In the week and a half of taking the prednisone, I have gained 15.6 pounds. My feet hurt constantly from the swelling, I can't sleep and I can finish 2 plates of spaghetti in less than 30 minutes. My face has blown up to make a complete circle now and I can no longer wear my wedding ring because of the swelling.
The doctor tells me I'm in between a rock and a hard place.
Needing to lose weight in order to get my kidney, but being on a medication that makes me gain at ridiculous speed and makes me feel worse than I do when I don't take it, but I'm not in joint pain and it inhibits the Lupus activity.
I'm not one to complain too much. I have a mere cold compared to a lot of people I know. And then in some cases, I do have it pretty rough. But I have to keep looking up.
Keep looking at what I CAN do instead of what I CAN'T.
Start being what I KNOW I can be instead of what I WANT to be.
I want to be healthy... and no matter how hard I try, that reality keeps drifting furthur from me. I want to have the energy to play with my daughter, go grocery shopping, clean my house, go hang out with friends and attend every single friends birthday parties, wedding,showers and etc... but I know I can't.
I want to focus some of my energy on my photography but all my energy has to go into doctors and Abi... even my poor husband has to be let down a lot....
My temper is on auto-pilot with the prednisone and I find myself being more snippy and more annoyed than usual... which is why I am trying to stay off FB as much as I can while on this medication. I am likely to say things I wouldn't normally say.
Do you know what its like to have a tiny pill change your WHOLE world and NOT for the better... I almost would rather be in pain... but sometimes that pain is too much to bear also.
So I ask you... which I don't normally do, to be grateful... if you have your health, THANK GOD EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH you don't have to deal with your own serious health issues along with a child, a husband, a mortgage and an endless amount of medical bills piling in each week.
Be grateful, please.
We all have our own battles, and I know everyone has problems... but if you are healthy, Please, be grateful.
<3
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
What Happens When We're Gone?
Today, people I love VERY much lost those very close to them. I never felt a big of a loss as when my Grandpa Louis passed and to this day, its hard to think of him without missing him incredibly.
My Grandpa was definately a one of a kind man. Passionate about music, his drums, but most of all, his family. He took his family very seriously and focused all of his might on us being a close family with love and family warmth all around us.
He was a heck of a guy. Stubborn to the nail. I think I got some of that from my Garcia side. :-) At his funeral, we played "My Way" by Old Blue Eyes and it was SO perfect for my Grandpa.
Makes me think of what people will remember of me when I am gone. I pray daily that my kidneys will last and I wake up from the operating table on transplant day with a smile and the knowledge that everything is gonna be ok. But I am a realist. And as much as I try to focus on the positive, the scary outcome often creeps up on me.
What will I be remembered for?
I feel like people often judge me as being a "hard person to like" and aggressive. As much as I feel I am a loving person, I can't seem to shake the way people don't like my personality. How I sometimes say things I shouldn't. And how I would rather be hated for standing by my beliefs and ideas than be liked for something I am not.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be hated. I want everyone to like me. See my softie side, but even I cant seem to let that down in front of most people. Even some people I call my friends.
I just pray that what I am trying to say and be doesnt get lost behind my aggressive and over-bearing personality. I have tried different ways to "be nicer" and I kinda suck at it. I am sure more than a couple of you will be glad to point that out.
Death always makes me think of what I will leave behind. What my memory will be and all I pray is its of hope, strength and a swift kick of tough love.
As much as my Grandpa was stubborn and made me do chores when I said I was bored. I remember us listening to music. I remember him yelling, "Jer-nean-ah! I made you some waffles!" When I would go stay with my grandparents in Springtown. His smile, His dippity-do and his aftershave,. And my favorite, the way he would look out into the backyard when he was thinking.
I hope everyone will remember the good in me whenever God decides to take me. And I hope thats not for a very long time. When Keith and I are old and gray and asleep in out bed and Abi is financially set with the man of her dreams and in love like her mommy and daddy were.
Ok. Enough sap. Go hug those you love and show them how much you love them EVERYDAY.
My Grandpa was definately a one of a kind man. Passionate about music, his drums, but most of all, his family. He took his family very seriously and focused all of his might on us being a close family with love and family warmth all around us.
He was a heck of a guy. Stubborn to the nail. I think I got some of that from my Garcia side. :-) At his funeral, we played "My Way" by Old Blue Eyes and it was SO perfect for my Grandpa.
Makes me think of what people will remember of me when I am gone. I pray daily that my kidneys will last and I wake up from the operating table on transplant day with a smile and the knowledge that everything is gonna be ok. But I am a realist. And as much as I try to focus on the positive, the scary outcome often creeps up on me.
What will I be remembered for?
I feel like people often judge me as being a "hard person to like" and aggressive. As much as I feel I am a loving person, I can't seem to shake the way people don't like my personality. How I sometimes say things I shouldn't. And how I would rather be hated for standing by my beliefs and ideas than be liked for something I am not.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be hated. I want everyone to like me. See my softie side, but even I cant seem to let that down in front of most people. Even some people I call my friends.
I just pray that what I am trying to say and be doesnt get lost behind my aggressive and over-bearing personality. I have tried different ways to "be nicer" and I kinda suck at it. I am sure more than a couple of you will be glad to point that out.
Death always makes me think of what I will leave behind. What my memory will be and all I pray is its of hope, strength and a swift kick of tough love.
As much as my Grandpa was stubborn and made me do chores when I said I was bored. I remember us listening to music. I remember him yelling, "Jer-nean-ah! I made you some waffles!" When I would go stay with my grandparents in Springtown. His smile, His dippity-do and his aftershave,. And my favorite, the way he would look out into the backyard when he was thinking.
I hope everyone will remember the good in me whenever God decides to take me. And I hope thats not for a very long time. When Keith and I are old and gray and asleep in out bed and Abi is financially set with the man of her dreams and in love like her mommy and daddy were.
Ok. Enough sap. Go hug those you love and show them how much you love them EVERYDAY.
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