Be Gracious...

Bad news today...

In the week and a half of taking the prednisone, I have gained 15.6 pounds. My feet hurt constantly from the swelling, I can't sleep and I can finish 2 plates of spaghetti in less than 30 minutes. My face has blown up to make a complete circle now and I can no longer wear my wedding ring because of the swelling.

The doctor tells me I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

Needing to lose weight in order to get my kidney, but being on a medication that makes me gain at ridiculous speed and makes me feel worse than I do when I don't take it, but I'm not in joint pain and it inhibits the Lupus activity.

I'm not one to complain too much. I have a mere cold compared to a lot of people I know. And then in some cases, I do have it pretty rough. But I have to keep looking up.

Keep looking at what I CAN do instead of what I CAN'T.

Start being what I KNOW I can be instead of what I WANT to be.

I want to be healthy... and no matter how hard I try, that reality keeps drifting furthur from me. I want to have the energy to play with my daughter, go grocery shopping, clean my house, go hang out with friends and attend every single friends birthday parties, wedding,showers and etc... but I know I can't.

I want to focus some of my energy on my photography but all my energy has to go into doctors and Abi... even my poor husband has to be let down a lot....

My temper is on auto-pilot with the prednisone and I find myself being more snippy and more annoyed than usual... which is why I am trying to stay off FB as much as I can while on this medication. I am likely to say things I wouldn't normally say.

Do you know what its like to have a tiny pill change your WHOLE world and NOT for the better... I almost would rather be in pain... but sometimes that pain is too much to bear also.

So I ask you... which I don't normally do, to be grateful... if you have your health, THANK GOD EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH you don't have to deal with your own serious health issues along with a child, a husband, a mortgage and an endless amount of medical bills piling in each week.

Be grateful, please.

We all have our own battles, and I know everyone has problems... but if you are healthy, Please, be grateful.

<3

What Happens When We're Gone?

Today, people I love VERY much lost those very close to them. I never felt a big of a loss as when my Grandpa Louis passed and to this day, its hard to think of him without missing him incredibly.

My Grandpa was definately a one of a kind man. Passionate about music, his drums, but most of all, his family. He took his family very seriously and focused all of his might on us being a close family with love and family warmth all around us.

He was a heck of a guy. Stubborn to the nail. I think I got some of that from my Garcia side. :-)  At his funeral, we played "My Way" by Old Blue Eyes and it was SO perfect for my Grandpa. 

Makes me think of what people will remember of me when I am gone. I pray daily that my kidneys will last and I wake up from the operating table on transplant day with a smile and the knowledge that everything is gonna be ok. But I am a realist. And as much as I try to focus on the positive, the scary outcome often creeps up on me.

What will I be remembered for?

I feel like people often judge me as being a "hard person to like" and aggressive. As much as I feel I am a loving person, I can't seem to shake the way people don't like my personality. How I sometimes say things I shouldn't. And how I would rather be hated for standing by my beliefs and ideas than be liked for something I am not.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be hated. I want everyone to like me. See my softie side, but even I cant seem to let that down in front of most people. Even some people I call my friends.

I just pray that what I am trying to say and be doesnt get lost behind my aggressive and over-bearing personality. I have tried different ways to "be nicer" and I kinda suck at it. I am sure more than a couple of you will be glad to point that out.

Death always makes me think of what I will leave behind. What my memory will be and all I pray is its of hope, strength and a swift kick of tough love.

As much as my Grandpa was stubborn and made me do chores when I said I was bored. I remember us listening to music. I remember him yelling, "Jer-nean-ah! I made you some waffles!" When I would go stay with my grandparents in Springtown. His smile, His dippity-do and his aftershave,. And my favorite, the way he would look out into the backyard when he was thinking.

I hope everyone will remember the good in me whenever God decides to take me. And I hope thats not for a very long time. When Keith and I are old and gray and asleep in out bed and Abi is financially set with the man of her dreams and in love like her mommy and daddy were.

Ok. Enough sap. Go hug those you love and show them how much you love them EVERYDAY.

I Am Guilty!

I am guilty of:
-eating the big Best Maid pickles more than I should.
-caring if Abi's play clothes match
-loving Red Bull even though it does nothing for my energy level, I just like the taste
-cheating on a math quiz in 8th grade
-loving Dawsons Creek and wanting to marry Pacey
-being honest... sometimes too honest... and when its not wanted.
-loving pickle snow cones
-not wearing sunscreen as much as I need to
-spoiling Abi
-killing my spouse in Fable for an achievement
-loving Lady Gagas music
-being okay with being "weird"
-loving the Lord and not being afraid to share it
-standing up for what I think is right
-not being nice to those I lack respect for (and I'm working on this one hardcore)

and FINALLY

-wishing EVERYONE all over the world could feel the love, peace, hope and grace in Jesus Christ.

AMEN!

What Would Jesus Do?

These past two weeks have drained me emotionally.
As a Christian, I try to maintain a level head about everything, seriously asking myself the cheesy line, "What would Jesus do?" Its such an overkill statement but its fitting... seriously, as a Christian, that is what we should think with EVERY decision we make.

From finances, business, relationships and even conversation. POSTS on Facebook! I know I am guilty of that last one because I am WAY more arguementative than Jesus was/is.

The life we lead is a walking pamplet to show people what Jesus is. I know I let Him down when I say or do things that come off mean, but I am really not mean, so thats why there is such a conflict in me. It comes off mean or rude but isn't meant to... thats something I really need to work on to be more like Christ.

Christians as a whole are some of the most hypocritical people EVER. Sunday Christians is what I have heard then described as. Postin on FB how much they love Jesus on Sunday and how great service was then BAM! Its like someone else had taken over their body the rest of the 6 days of the week.

I am not saying I don't do things wrong, cause I know I do... but the people I see are ones who REFUSE to ADMITT what they do is severely unChristian. Ugh. Thats another deal...

I just hope God grants me some peace about what rattles my mind so much lately. I have been so down this past couple weeks. Even Abi can tell I'm not the same and THAT is NOT cool with me.

Lame. God, please help me. With EVERYTHING. <3

Just Don't Know

My mind is going a billion different directions.  My heart hurts and I have no peace on what burdens me.

I have been brought up to fight to the end. That only until there is NOTHING left to fight for, I keep fighting.

Moses wondered through the desert for 40 years TRUSTING in God. And yet for most people, they fight until they get tired.

Ironic how I gave in after 4 days to an immature persons actions and now see myself learning from what I say to myself as I write. I gave into my anger, my frustration and intense will to make someone who didn't care to see their faults try and see them... when I know that coming from me, it wouldn't matter. I said things I shouldn't have, but I'll admit it was a bit of ignorant justice.

I still hope the issue resolves and we can be civil. I completely dislike cutting off people. I just wish people could agree to disagree, respect each other in their beliefs and go on in life.

I wish I could make everyone see my heart and know its not angry, hateful or judgemental. Its hurting for the people I see posting on Facebook daily. The things they say, the way they behave and the choices they make that aren't for the benefit of them or their families. I know everyone makes mistakes. But it hurts my heart and I tend to feel the need to carry peoples burdens. I guess because I think I can.

Bah. What a rant. I write between serving dinner to my family, watching some Americas Got Talent and bathtime and pre bedtime playtime. When my mind stops focusing on the distraction, it tends to go into overdrive and take over.

Ugh. Lousy situations all around me. I really hope the Lord opens eyes, gives peace, saves souls and changes relationships through all this chaos.

My 1st Blog

Woah! I am starting a blog. Mainly for myself. To vent. To express my joys. My frustrations. My sadness. My OPINIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those ALWAYS seem to get me in trouble. I don't usually see gray, I see in black and white. I see as right and wrong. I dont judge others for their views or opinions but I am often judged for mine. And quite harshly.

I know those who know me well love and accept my rough exterior and know the Jeanene thats inside. Those who have seem me at my lowest and at my highest. Who were by me in my dying bed and those with me on the day my angel was born. To me, THOSE people matter most.

But for those that I would normally brush off and glady flip the bird to, the Holy Spirit, my Christian side takes over and God YELLS IN MY EAR the word of peace and understanding. God knows thats what it takes to get me to listen. LOL!

Its a constant battle of Jeanene's human nature versus Gods Mercy and Love.

Half of me wants to reach out endlessly in love and hope for peoples good nature and the other half of me wants to make people see how stupid they are acting. Am I the only one? I doubt that.

I am a loving person who has a passion for truth. In EVERYTHING I search for truth.

I know I am hard to understand. Come off harsh. I come off rude when the majority of the time, I never mean to. I dislike when people don't follow common courtesy (opening doors, saying thank you, etc) and its actually one of my biggest pet peevs in the world.

My husband constantly tells me how he wishes everyone could see the Jeanene he gets to see. Honestly, I don't ever see that happening. LOL! But I will NEVER stop trying to better myself to be a better example for Abi and my husband,

So in this blog, you will read my rants. You will read my opinions. And you will also be reading about my growth in my spirituality and human nature. My frustrations and my hopes.

If you care to read and have an arguement, praise or have a beef with me, I highly suggest communicating with me. I am not afraid to admitt I am wrong or that I mistook something. I am a human with many faults. So read along if you care! lol